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2.08.2019

Jeff Bezos ghostwriter prospect

Dear billionaires: Please hire me to ghostwrite open letters to your blackmailers


By Corinne Purtill - February 8, 2019


Jeff Bezos head of Amazon


Dear Billionaire,
It is with great excitement that I write to you today in application of my dream job: the ghostwriter of open letters to your would-be blackmailers.
Being a billionaire’s ghostwriter has been my dream ever since Feb. 7, 2019, the day I first read the work of the industry’s founding legend, the person who wrote Jeff Bezos’s Medium post. This is the standard all of my ghostwritten open letters to your blackmailers will strive to meet. If I reach further than others into your enemies’ illicit dealings, it is because I stand on the shoulders of the “No thank you, Mr. Pecker” giant.
As your ghostwriter, I will pre-empt whatever your blackmailer is dangling over you in a tone so unruffled that readers will be utterly unprepared for whatever your equivalent of the cargo shorts thing is. I work discreetly and without judgment. Have you been photographed in a crotchless furry costume? Did you take a quick shot of your junk in between Davos panels? No matter. What I care about is conveying the righteousness of your position in a voice that feels true to your own, and that you retain formidable private investigators whose limitless budget we can lightly reference at the right moment.
A bit about my qualifications: I am a journalist with extensive experience pretending to be a shark, and an expert on both Toblerone and LeBron James. I created a Medium account years ago at an employer’s behest and have been unable to unsubscribe from their emails since. I have a degree in English and a lot of unexpressed anger to draw from. Currently I am a writer for Quartz, which is fine but does not provide sufficient opportunity to do the type of writing I now realize I love best: calm, clear, first-person prose saturated in contempt.
Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this ghostwriting opportunity, and then leave your open Medium letters in my capable hands. You have other things you prefer to work on. Rest assured I will proceed with whatever budget is needed to pursue the facts in this matter.
Sincerely,

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